All Gone

For the first time in my life, I don't want to be me anymore. I used to love myself and believe that I could do anything but now I'm seeing that the act of being fearless is simply that...an act. I suck people in and then I drive them away. I am my own problem. The strength that once drove me, is now the curse that rips through me. Life is full of good times and bad. There is nothing left but to watch it all happen. No one can save me from myself. I am my own monster.

I'm watching children grow and people fall in love. I'm watching this all and knowing that it is something that I will never have because I don't deserve it. It's not meant for me. I have a hard time believing that there is anything left. What is real?

They say it's better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. I no longer see that as truth. It brings nothing but such an intense pain that there is no point in having human connections any more. Being good is not good. Best to be alone, as that is ultimately how it all ends anyway. I have nothing more.

What's in a Name?

They say with great power comes great responsibility. I couldn't agree more. In my case things happened the opposite in my career. With the recent amount of responsibility, I wanted something to prove that the power was also there. I wanted a new name.

The best holiday, in my opinion, is quickly approaching. If you have ever met my family, you would know that Halloween is held in a very high regard. Everyone of them loves everything about it. In the past, Halloween was more highly celebrated than Christmas. Christmas. Even the word itself makes me anxious. It brings notions of forcing fake feelings. Of stress and giving because it is expected. Of driving around all day to be in the company of people you barely know. Halloween however, has always been more real in my family. It's a pure joy where everyone is there and involved because they want to be, not because it's what we're supposed to do. The great thing about Halloween is that you can be whoever you want. It's the one time of year where you can change who you are for the day and assume the persona of absolutely anything from inanimate objects to celebrities. The world is your oyster, at least for a day.

At this point in life and career, longing for a new name and persona seemed appropriate. I wanted something different. Something to prove that what I have been doing is not in vain. That it deserves attention. So I asked. I asked for a new title and I got it. Some how becoming the absolute highest title in my field has made me feel like a million bucks. I guess in this world of chaos, it's my new constant. The title sounds impressive, so I must be impressive. It gives me a new standard to live up to.

I need challenges in my life. This has become my challenge to live up to. As a designer, especially through college, the idea of ever holding the title of Creative Director put me in such a state of starry eyed admiration that I could barely fathom the day that I would ever get to tag on such a prestigious name. That day has come for me. All in all they are just words. But words bring power. Power brings responsibility. It is my duty to live up to what I asked for to my upmost ability. I have to. Not only for myself but for those striving for the same thing. For those starry eyed art students who want nothing more.

Strong

A good friend of mine and I just got back from a trip to Philadelphia where we attended an Intro to Aerials class at the Philadelphia School of Circus Arts. I had absolutely no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Turns out it takes a ton of upper body and core strength to pull yourself up on a trapeze, or rope, or 80 feet of fabric. It's tough. Your arms burn like hell. It would be easy to give up but the payoff is that you not only get to sit on that trapeze, you get to throw your one leg up and swing your body off the side or hang upside down. So I kicked as much ass as I could, channeled the warrior spirit within, and conquered everything I was taught there. Afterward, just like with jujitsu, I felt strong and extremely empowered.

Boosts of confidence are like drugs to me and come in all different forms. I get them through showing physical strength and skill, through winning at a game of darts, through creating art that people appreciate, through making myself desirable enough for the opposite sex  to notice. I know this all surface and comes from the acceptance of other people ultimately, but when these things happen, I am proud of myself too. I'm fucking strong as hell. That does make me proud and I don't need the next thing quite yet. I'm still floating above the ground.

Letting Go

As I entered the open field with seven other people toting yoga mats, I was prepared for something to happen. Something to change me tonight. A release. I got what I came for.

Yoga does not come easy for me and though I realize the immense amount of benefits from it, I tend to shy away from partaking. It makes me feel like my anatomy is incorrect because with certain poses come intense pain and the sensation of limbs snapping. I know the only way to overcome this is to keep at it. So tonight, after the recent absence of jujitsu, and my extreme need for centering myself, I joined a good friend  for her sunset yoga class.

As we started, she invited us to concentrate on a goal. Something that we wanted to accomplish for ourselves or someone else. We were to remind ourselves of that goal as we sunk deeper and deeper into our poses. Mine was to "let go".

I've been carrying so much in myself recently and hoarding people and feelings that I shouldn't be. People and feelings that I don't need anymore. It's been a struggle to grow and move onward and upward with these feelings looming around constantly. This mantra of letting go is something that I need to remind myself day to day in order to get better. It's just like yoga. I will only excel at it if I make it a habit.

Walking away tonight I felt clearer, lighter, and certainly more balanced. My hips moved like jelly and my mind floated a bit. That hour induced a sigh of relief and a deep breath of being good to myself. What a wonderful sunset it was.

Hard Pill to Swallow

It's been a while. Things have been, um, confusing? Interesting? It's hard to search for the right word. Not really that great is a good way to sum it up I guess. I'm always feeling torn between who I am. There are pieces of me that are keeping on and doing a darn good job of it. Your career and household doesn't stop just because your love life is complete crap. So every day has been a bit of struggle to remember who I am, what I do that makes me me, and how to move on with life. It's hard to value yourself when your heart is crushed. I keep beating my head against a wall wondering what I've could have done better but in the end it comes down to nothing. No matter how perfect I try to make myself, I can't make others love me. It's a hard pill to swallow.

On the other hand I have a friend who is absolutely wonderful to me and so ready to be there for everything I do. He's in it to win it. But I just can't. It's disgusting. I can't get over someone who was terrible to me and just be with someone who would absolutely would fulfill what I need emotionally. I guess time heals all right?

So time to move on with my day and turn on the work mode for a staff meeting and then friend mode to be there for someone else who also struggles in life. I want to value myself and the world again. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Love is an Evil Thing

Love is the hardest and easiest thing in our lives. When it's our friend, it puts a smile on our faces that can not be removed and leaves us to float through our days as if we are walking on the clouds. But love is also our enemy. When you love someone so very much yet can not make a relationship work no matter how hard you try, love creates a pain that hurts so incredibly bad that you just want something to end it. That crushing feeling makes me wonder if it's really worth it. Is it better to love and have lost then to not have loved at all? I don't know right now. It doesn't seem worth it.

My stomach is twisted in knots and the depression has returned today. I weep for him and for what could have been had the timing been right. The "what-ifs" continue to pop up though I am smart enough to know that there is no point dwelling on them. It simply wasn't and will never be. It is so sad. My heart is heavy and bares this weight that I can not shake.

I was doing so well moving on but now I'm trapped with the guilt of the feelings that consume me. I want to believe in love. I want it to heal all, however all I seem to ever see is the ultimate demise of it. The ruin and consequence of falling for someone and inviting them to be a part of my life. I fear that I can not do it anymore. That it's not in my power to let my guard down and trust in someone to catch me when I fall and to hold onto me and not let go. People seem to drop me and I can not bare breaking anything else.

Love, I don't know that I want you or can handle you anymore. Please leave me alone. You're hurting me.

Friday I'm in Love

Life has been absolutely wonderful lately. I can't stop singing and dancing nor can I wipe the cheesy smile off my face. One of my best friends tells me I'm in love. For real in love she says. She might be right.

My work is done, the weather has been absolutely perfect, and I took the time to rebeautify my backyard (which is one of my favorite places to be). Despite having to work tonight, I'm so excited to spend time with my friends this evening and especially excited for my parents big Mexican bash tomorrow. It's something we all look forward to every year. Which reminds me, I have to run to the store for salsa making materials!

New Hibiscus Tree

Killer Cicada Wasp - These keep getting stuck in my window.

Silly Calder Amelia

I'm on cloud 9, life is good, and I can't stop breathing it in. Happy friday all.