I'm not going to lie, I woke up in a piss poor mood today. I cried for no reason. I felt unloved, unappreciated, and talentless. Today, I hated the world and everything was annoying and meaningless. These downswings are usually when I am most able to channel the hopeless feelings into writing. Lucky you.
But hear me out. When I feel this way, which thankfully is not very often, I make a valiant attempt to try to understand where these feelings are coming from and to turn that negative energy into something productive and good. Instead of wallowing in sorrow and anger by sleeping or not talking to anyone, I feel that it's important to refocus.
For example I asked myself these questions:
Why am I feeling this way?
My speculations:
1. I have worked very hard all week. Barely leaving my desk to eat, exercise, play with my dog, or do housework.
2. I am not entirely sure I trust the person I give my heart to.
3. I feel uncreative because I feel everyone is better than me.
4. My house is dirty and falling apart and people many think poorly of me for that.
Ok so there we have some things that may just be the reason. I know some of these things are just mere figments of my skewed imagination but for sake of fixing the problem, let's consider them. I believe that everyone has the power to change their way of thinking. They may not be able to change a situation but they can change the way they view it. So in order to "fix" this problem of needing a major attitude adjustment today, here is what I did.
1. I texted a friend and asked if we could get together later to get out of the house.
2. I talked to my roommate about how I felt and he related. (Visit the link for his humorous explanation.) http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html
3. I cleaned, cleaned, and cleaned some more.
To focus on #3 lets just say I went on a cleaning frenzy. Go ahead, splash grease all over the kitchen. Explode sauce all over the microwave. I'll just clean it up. Go ahead Jake (the dumbass cat), shit on the basement floor. I'll bleach the hell out of it. Oh look...another lightbulb burnt out! F you...I just bought replacements!
One of the wisest people in my life, the person I owe a lot of my major decisions in life to, just told me in a recent conversation that I need to get more angry and he needs to be more calm. We need to come to a medium ground on our moods and should both be somewhere in between zen and total fucking chaos. Given the state he was in when I spoke to him, I disagreed (though I didn't tell him that.) Why would I want to be more angry? Well I've come to the conclusion that he's right. Yet again. Anger drives us and forces us to get things done. It can stick with you and break you down if you let it or it can be just the kick in the ass you need to move forward with a vengeance.
Are you angry? Use it. Use it and do something good with it.
