Wednesday, March 26, 2014

It's a Man's World

When I thought about writing a post today, I was prepared to write about my latest struggle. Getting  engaged in October brings with it the inevitable truth of taking on the role of a mother. As the time clock for the responsibility of housing and raising a six-year-old that is not mine winds closer and closer to D-day, I find myself stuck between the pull of losing my identity and the newfound responsibilities such a role will bring. The biggest struggle seems to be the child's grandmother. I tried and tried to make her my friend. To be a team during the difficult transition of parenting a child that she had raised since he was a baby. Time after time she has rejected me and through her own struggles, has made this road bumpier than it perhaps needs to be.

As I hopped in the shower and prepared everything in my mind in order to sit down and let loose on my keyboard after I was finished, I asked myself who was your favorite mother out of everyone you have dated? Hmmmm...I was stumped. I wasn't really that close with any of them. In fact, I had always felt more comfortable around the fathers of said "boyfriend-at-the-time" than I ever did with their mothers. With this realization I started to question whether I am the problem with my inability to have a relationship with the women who share my men. Why the hell is that? What is wrong with me?

After my self-analizing shower time, I thought about how women work based on my own brain and emotions. Women are each others worst critics. From the way we run our households to the way we wear our hair, we pick each other apart constantly. Being very aware of myself makes me very conscious of how other women perceive me. Especially if I have any bit of respect for them. On a daily basis I worry about my house being cleaned, my bills getting paid, what we will have for dinner, if I have gas in my car, and when I will be able to get my work done without distraction. Add on top of that my worries for other people. Will my fiance need to find another job soon? Is my friend ok in the relationship she in? Is my other friend handling her work stress ok? Is my mother ever going to retire? Will my soon to be step-son be ok going to a city school? Will he be ok going to a camp? Is my fiance's mother ever going to accept me?

That's a lot to put on yourself. So if I put all of that on myself, is it possible that every other woman does the same thing? Maybe the reason I won't let myself become close with the mother of anyone I've ever been with is because I am so worried about them criticizing me that I clam up and don't know how to let go and just be me. I'm so worried about doing everything perfectly as to prove that I am good enough for their son that I end up shying away from any chance of a relationship I may have with them.

Men are easy. They can hand you a beer and talk about the latest movie they watched and not give a shit if your outfit matches. They don't care that you've gained a bit of weight and you can talk about jujitsu to them all night long. This lack of insecurity around fathers is what has drawn me to them. I feel much more comfortable talking about the news (which I do not watch or read and have no idea what's going on in the world) than I do helping mom in the kitchen. What will we talk about? Gasp! 

This realization about myself this morning may not change my relationship with my fiance's mother, but it does make me understand myself a little bit better. Maybe it will help me lay off of women who seem to warm up to men faster and stop acting like they are being disrespectful. Maybe I'll be able to catch myself as I start to clam up around his mother, start being myself, and stop worrying so much about how I am perceived.

Who knows how this will pan out. I have a long road ahead of me. I do, however, need to remind myself that I am not perfect and I shouldn't have to pretend I am because at the end of the day, every other woman on earth is likely struggling with the same worries that I am. Time to give them a break too.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

What a Difference a Year Makes

It has been quite a while since I have written a post and to say a lot has changed would be an understatement. My intention was to write a new post on New Year's Day, so let's pretend I stopped being busy, lazy, (fill in blank excuse) and actually posted as intended. Mental flashback to New Year's 2013—I was ringing in the New Year with a handful of friends in my Man Cave. For those who do not know me, that's code for my basement and was coined "The Man Cave" because I didn't see the need to have a man in order to call my basement what every man on earth calls the space they use to get away from it all. I had just ended a whirl wind of a horrible relationship. If you can recall from earlier desperate and depressing posts, ours was one that sucked the life from every inch of my soul. There were days that we were happy, but the games we played, lack of communication and trust, and overall difference in lifestyles and maturity levels, finally cleared up the fact that we were just not meant to be. So out with the old and in with the new happened at the drop of the ball on the very first second of 2013.

In he walks. I never understood how so many people that I know end up with people from their past. It's usually someone they went to school with but never really talked to or someone who was friends with their brother, etc. The idea of overlooking the person who you fall in love with being right there under your nose years prior without your knowledge seemed like a cheesy, vomit inducing fairytale. I guess sometimes things do work out that way. It happened to me. On that very second of 2013, I was locking lips with the person I had met ten years prior in college and who I will share the rest of my life with.

Since then, my life has taken a full on turn. I look back and can visualize a fork in the road with one road being covered in dead, overgrown thorns and the other filled with colorful blooms and bright green grass. Yes, cheesy and vomit inducing but it's true! I have learned to live without being fearful of the person I'm with leaving me or hurting me. If I want to know what he is thinking, all I have to do is ask because I know he will be honest. I don't have have to worry what he is up to when I am not around or what state he'll be in when he comes home or if he will even come home. I don't have to wonder if he loves me or thinks I'm pretty because he tells me several times a day. After so many years of struggling through one-sided relationships that just weren't right, one finally stuck.

This year we celebrated the New Year—our one year anniversary—by enjoying a night out together and reminiscing about one of the best years of our lives. The year that we found each other, again. I wouldn't trade that year for the world. We fell in love, purchased kayaks and traveled down rivers, saw more live music than I can even count, celebrated birthdays and every single first holiday together, played in the sand, laughed, cried, and got engaged. I truly hope 2014 is just as magical.

You have to understand that I never thought these things could happen to me. I was so programmed to just take what was in front of me and make the best of it, that misery became an expected house guest. For anyone who has struggled or is currently struggling in love, my advise to you would be not to give up hope that the person who is right for you is out there and that life is too short to let misery take the wheel. Do not exhaust yourself on relationships that suck the joy from you. In the words of my dear friend, "enjoy more and endure less." Life occasionally takes turns when you least expect it.

Cheers to 2014. May it bring adventure, growth, and love.