Warrior Spirit

If there is one thing that my 7 years of martial arts training has taught me, it's not to let your emotions rule your actions. Though this is still difficult at times since we are all human, it has defined a way of living that has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. Being proactive rather than reactive is the essence of a warrior spirit. Through these actions comes the ability to take on any situation head on without resistance. In using this development of character as a driving force, it allows you to become a stronger person.

Recently I have been made aware of the effects of living in this manner. With the positivity of being a strong person who attempts to let negative situations not rule my emotions, I am also finding that this has left me to appear cold and emotionless in others eyes. I would rather take on the emotions of others than show my own. Putting on my best poker face in times of despair, I tend to feel for others more than I allow them to for me. Apparently this installs fear in partners for they are not able to provide me with emotional support because I do not allow my emotional side to be seen to many. I have been called selfless because of this and apparently people have a difficult time relating to me.

To say that I do not show emotions and keep my cool at all times would be hypocritical. That is far from the truth. I do get angry and frustrated often and I do blow up. However, talking through situations after the initial reaction has proven to defuse things to a point where there is acceptance. I am able to waltz through personal relationships being hard and matter of fact, though I have noticed I still need to attend to this same mindset in my professional environment. Perhaps tone it down personally and beef it up professionally? I am not perfect but I continue to work on my perfection of character throughout my life journey. They say it takes a martial artist 10 years to conquer themselves and 20 years to conquer others. I have only hit the tip of the iceberg.

Zanshin.

All Gone

For the first time in my life, I don't want to be me anymore. I used to love myself and believe that I could do anything but now I'm seeing that the act of being fearless is simply that...an act. I suck people in and then I drive them away. I am my own problem. The strength that once drove me, is now the curse that rips through me. Life is full of good times and bad. There is nothing left but to watch it all happen. No one can save me from myself. I am my own monster.

I'm watching children grow and people fall in love. I'm watching this all and knowing that it is something that I will never have because I don't deserve it. It's not meant for me. I have a hard time believing that there is anything left. What is real?

They say it's better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. I no longer see that as truth. It brings nothing but such an intense pain that there is no point in having human connections any more. Being good is not good. Best to be alone, as that is ultimately how it all ends anyway. I have nothing more.