Sunday, December 25, 2011

Count Your Blessings

Another Christmas and another year passes. After having watched a number of old classic Christmas movies and at the same time watching my 3-year-old niece open so many presents that she didn't care to rip the paper off one more gift, my thoughts wandered back to the simple life. When people were thankful for real relationships with people and time spent with one another. When children were happy to receive a sled for Christmas and not a pile of toys which would soon be forgotten, or the new Xbox to occupy their time as not to annoy their hardworking families with actual attention and play.

We are all guilty of this new way of life. The idea of entitlement. Myself included. I caught myself being bitter and jealous while witnessing friends receive extravagant gifts from their bosses while mine was modest to say the least. When you look at decades past, you begin to realize that no one is owed anything and the only way to remain this way is to be grateful for what you have and the things you are given. 

We must remember that the right to work is a gift. Having a roof over ones head is a gift. And so is the people who make up who you are. We don't need flat screened TVs or fancy phones or diamonds for value in life. We don't need expensive bags or Kindles to show our value in ones life. We need one another. To remain simple and happy for the smallest token of appreciation that someone shows. Money and spending more could never amount to the relationships we make.

To my friends and family, I love you all. You mean more to me than I could ever show. More than I could ever afford to buy. Anytime I become sad for not having or getting what I want, I promise to continue to bring my thinking back to this. For I am not owed or entitled to anything. I promise to try to remain modest and I hope the same for mankind. Perhaps this is my New Year's resolution.

Merry Christmas to ALL.


"What is it that you want Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down." - It's a Wonderful Life

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Giving Thanks

When I first laid down to take a nap this afternoon, my head hit the pillow and I thought about how I should write a blog entry when I woke up. The reason for the nap was because I was grouchy, depressed, and feeling sorry for myself. The reason for the blog would have been another woe is me rant about how everyone around me seems to be married with children or taking the steps to do so and here I am constantly wondering the status of my crazy love life. I'm glad I slept it off. When I woke up, the virtuous voice inside my head told me I need to be thankful for what I have, not envious of what I don't.

I like when that voice pops up — she's always right. I need to remind myself that dwelling on things that are out of my control is a waste of energy. Feeling sorry for myself is not attractive nor productive. The thing is to remain humble and thankful for all of the wonderful things and people in my life and proud of the many things I have accomplished. It is often hard to remind myself that may people would be envious of what I have. It's time to count my blessings.

Ironically this comes the week before Thanksgiving. My list of things to be thankful for:

1. The roof over my head. I may need to seal the windows in plastic to keep the heat in, or deodorize the cat smell in the basement, or unclog old pipes, but this house is a home. Not everyone can own a house and although it is far from the perfect dream house, it's all mine and mine alone.

2. My job. Yeah everyone complains about their job at some point. Sure I'd love to be making more money, but overall, I have a pretty damn good job. I have creative freedom and the ability to involve others who mean something to me. And come on, working from home is pretty amazing. I know people are jealous of that. I get to be with my dog all day, eat when I want to with whoever I want to, run errands at whatever time of the day, and most importantly, create when the mood hits me. For the most part I work on my schedule and that's a great feeling. I am certainly fortunate.


3. My dog. It's common knowledge that my dog is the love of my life. I am grateful that she is healthy and a loving companion. There are many nights I am certain I wouldn't have gotten through as easily without her to snuggle next to.

4. My friends. Sometimes they know me better than I know myself and their constant concern for my happiness and well-being shows me how much I am loved. We dance; we sing at the top of our lungs; we sometimes have too much to drink; we discover things together and appreciate beauty; we watch each other grow and learn and we are there for each other all the way. My friends are what keep me sane. I would be lost without them.

5. Jujitsu. I have always said jujitsu is the only thing that is constant in my life. I know it will always be there in one form or another. I have a hard time believing I have been at it for seven years. It has been an amazing journey and has taught me more life lessons in handling situations and living life than anything else.


6. My mother. Obviously I am thankful for my entire family for different reasons at different times, but having my mother to talk, depend on, and most importantly to be my friend, means the world. Some people no longer have their mother in their life and it saddens me. So I suppose I saved the most important for last. She is kind and giving and worries about her kids way too much. Her love for others is really something to be admired. I am fortunate to have her so close to me and such a big part of my life.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Week Off

Most people would kill for a week off. Me? Well, if I'm not being super productive I get depressed and antsy. There's an ongoing joke that when our quarterly publication is finally complete and I unchain myself from the computer I had just sat at for ridiculous hours a day during the proceeding months, I go through post-partum. It's true. The crazy busy times makes me...well crazy. But they are also welcomed with open arms. They give me purpose and without the hundred emails a day, I feel lost, lonely, and sad. I guess it's a reminder of how boring my life can be.

Not that there weren't high points to my week off. I braved the strangely unseasonal snow storm on Halloween weekend to attend a hell of a party in Philadelphia after watching the (lame without music) Millersville parade with my parents and our dogs from the comfort of my step father's van. It took my friend and I a very scary 2-1/2 hours to arrive at our destination that night and though I was on the fence about going, I had quite an experience and met a few new friends. It also made me realize that perhaps I'm not built for that kind of "do things you normally wouldn't and crash at 6:00 am" parties. But I suppose what happens in Philly, stays in Philly. I suppose.

Halloween/Trick-or-Treat night was equally as interesting. With a tray of jello shots made by a friend and me having spent all day creating a wand for my mother who dressed as Professor McMonagall, we were ready to hand out candy and shoot the shit. Only problem was that there was a freak gas leak in Millersville that caused a house to explode and rendered the entire town in the dark and without electric for a good part of the day, thus leaving the borough to cancel Trick-or-Treat night. Ugh. Imagine the disappointment from my mother, "the queen of Halloween".

We made the best of it by having a fire on the front porch, which later was determined as not such a smart idea while there was a gas leak. Ah well. The only thing hurt was my cleavage when a hot ember jumped from the fire straight down my shirt.

The week progressed with a much needed chat and lovely night out with someone who remains near and dear to my heart, though perhaps from an outsiders point of view, he shouldn't. Both of my catering shifts were cancelled this week which left me with more time then I accounted for and led me to do nothing more than watch the entire first season of Raising Hope. However, having a purpose reared it's head on thursday when I helped my sister move into her new apartment and attended and taught jujitsu (God I miss not having class tuesdays). Friday was tons of fun helping a friend for First Friday at a boutique she works at, and saturday evening was catchup time with an old friend and crazy dive bar fun with another friend.

Overall my week off had it's ups and downs. I know it's important to take this time. It's what helps to make me productive when I have to be and to restart my creative mind. It forces me to be alone with my thoughts and learn to entertain myself. Looking back, I am grateful to the friends who entertained me as well. Without them I would surely have no purpose.

For this week, I am anxiously anticipating the release party for issue 20. I can't believe it's been 5 years!  

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Warrior Spirit

If there is one thing that my 7 years of martial arts training has taught me, it's not to let your emotions rule your actions. Though this is still difficult at times since we are all human, it has defined a way of living that has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. Being proactive rather than reactive is the essence of a warrior spirit. Through these actions comes the ability to take on any situation head on without resistance. In using this development of character as a driving force, it allows you to become a stronger person.

Recently I have been made aware of the effects of living in this manner. With the positivity of being a strong person who attempts to let negative situations not rule my emotions, I am also finding that this has left me to appear cold and emotionless in others eyes. I would rather take on the emotions of others than show my own. Putting on my best poker face in times of despair, I tend to feel for others more than I allow them to for me. Apparently this installs fear in partners for they are not able to provide me with emotional support because I do not allow my emotional side to be seen to many. I have been called selfless because of this and apparently people have a difficult time relating to me.

To say that I do not show emotions and keep my cool at all times would be hypocritical. That is far from the truth. I do get angry and frustrated often and I do blow up. However, talking through situations after the initial reaction has proven to defuse things to a point where there is acceptance. I am able to waltz through personal relationships being hard and matter of fact, though I have noticed I still need to attend to this same mindset in my professional environment. Perhaps tone it down personally and beef it up professionally? I am not perfect but I continue to work on my perfection of character throughout my life journey. They say it takes a martial artist 10 years to conquer themselves and 20 years to conquer others. I have only hit the tip of the iceberg.

Zanshin.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

All Gone

For the first time in my life, I don't want to be me anymore. I used to love myself and believe that I could do anything but now I'm seeing that the act of being fearless is simply that...an act. I suck people in and then I drive them away. I am my own problem. The strength that once drove me, is now the curse that rips through me. Life is full of good times and bad. There is nothing left but to watch it all happen. No one can save me from myself. I am my own monster.

I'm watching children grow and people fall in love. I'm watching this all and knowing that it is something that I will never have because I don't deserve it. It's not meant for me. I have a hard time believing that there is anything left. What is real?

They say it's better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. I no longer see that as truth. It brings nothing but such an intense pain that there is no point in having human connections any more. Being good is not good. Best to be alone, as that is ultimately how it all ends anyway. I have nothing more.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What's in a Name?

They say with great power comes great responsibility. I couldn't agree more. In my case things happened the opposite in my career. With the recent amount of responsibility, I wanted something to prove that the power was also there. I wanted a new name.

The best holiday, in my opinion, is quickly approaching. If you have ever met my family, you would know that Halloween is held in a very high regard. Everyone of them loves everything about it. In the past, Halloween was more highly celebrated than Christmas. Christmas. Even the word itself makes me anxious. It brings notions of forcing fake feelings. Of stress and giving because it is expected. Of driving around all day to be in the company of people you barely know. Halloween however, has always been more real in my family. It's a pure joy where everyone is there and involved because they want to be, not because it's what we're supposed to do. The great thing about Halloween is that you can be whoever you want. It's the one time of year where you can change who you are for the day and assume the persona of absolutely anything from inanimate objects to celebrities. The world is your oyster, at least for a day.

At this point in life and career, longing for a new name and persona seemed appropriate. I wanted something different. Something to prove that what I have been doing is not in vain. That it deserves attention. So I asked. I asked for a new title and I got it. Some how becoming the absolute highest title in my field has made me feel like a million bucks. I guess in this world of chaos, it's my new constant. The title sounds impressive, so I must be impressive. It gives me a new standard to live up to.

I need challenges in my life. This has become my challenge to live up to. As a designer, especially through college, the idea of ever holding the title of Creative Director put me in such a state of starry eyed admiration that I could barely fathom the day that I would ever get to tag on such a prestigious name. That day has come for me. All in all they are just words. But words bring power. Power brings responsibility. It is my duty to live up to what I asked for to my upmost ability. I have to. Not only for myself but for those striving for the same thing. For those starry eyed art students who want nothing more.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Strong

A good friend of mine and I just got back from a trip to Philadelphia where we attended an Intro to Aerials class at the Philadelphia School of Circus Arts. I had absolutely no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Turns out it takes a ton of upper body and core strength to pull yourself up on a trapeze, or rope, or 80 feet of fabric. It's tough. Your arms burn like hell. It would be easy to give up but the payoff is that you not only get to sit on that trapeze, you get to throw your one leg up and swing your body off the side or hang upside down. So I kicked as much ass as I could, channeled the warrior spirit within, and conquered everything I was taught there. Afterward, just like with jujitsu, I felt strong and extremely empowered.

Boosts of confidence are like drugs to me and come in all different forms. I get them through showing physical strength and skill, through winning at a game of darts, through creating art that people appreciate, through making myself desirable enough for the opposite sex  to notice. I know this all surface and comes from the acceptance of other people ultimately, but when these things happen, I am proud of myself too. I'm fucking strong as hell. That does make me proud and I don't need the next thing quite yet. I'm still floating above the ground.



Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Letting Go

As I entered the open field with seven other people toting yoga mats, I was prepared for something to happen. Something to change me tonight. A release. I got what I came for.

Yoga does not come easy for me and though I realize the immense amount of benefits from it, I tend to shy away from partaking. It makes me feel like my anatomy is incorrect because with certain poses come intense pain and the sensation of limbs snapping. I know the only way to overcome this is to keep at it. So tonight, after the recent absence of jujitsu, and my extreme need for centering myself, I joined a good friend  for her sunset yoga class.

As we started, she invited us to concentrate on a goal. Something that we wanted to accomplish for ourselves or someone else. We were to remind ourselves of that goal as we sunk deeper and deeper into our poses. Mine was to "let go".

I've been carrying so much in myself recently and hoarding people and feelings that I shouldn't be. People and feelings that I don't need anymore. It's been a struggle to grow and move onward and upward with these feelings looming around constantly. This mantra of letting go is something that I need to remind myself day to day in order to get better. It's just like yoga. I will only excel at it if I make it a habit.

Walking away tonight I felt clearer, lighter, and certainly more balanced. My hips moved like jelly and my mind floated a bit. That hour induced a sigh of relief and a deep breath of being good to myself. What a wonderful sunset it was.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Hard Pill to Swallow

It's been a while. Things have been, um, confusing? Interesting? It's hard to search for the right word. Not really that great is a good way to sum it up I guess. I'm always feeling torn between who I am. There are pieces of me that are keeping on and doing a darn good job of it. Your career and household doesn't stop just because your love life is complete crap. So every day has been a bit of struggle to remember who I am, what I do that makes me me, and how to move on with life. It's hard to value yourself when your heart is crushed. I keep beating my head against a wall wondering what I've could have done better but in the end it comes down to nothing. No matter how perfect I try to make myself, I can't make others love me. It's a hard pill to swallow.

On the other hand I have a friend who is absolutely wonderful to me and so ready to be there for everything I do. He's in it to win it. But I just can't. It's disgusting. I can't get over someone who was terrible to me and just be with someone who would absolutely would fulfill what I need emotionally. I guess time heals all right?

So time to move on with my day and turn on the work mode for a staff meeting and then friend mode to be there for someone else who also struggles in life. I want to value myself and the world again. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Love is an Evil Thing

Love is the hardest and easiest thing in our lives. When it's our friend, it puts a smile on our faces that can not be removed and leaves us to float through our days as if we are walking on the clouds. But love is also our enemy. When you love someone so very much yet can not make a relationship work no matter how hard you try, love creates a pain that hurts so incredibly bad that you just want something to end it. That crushing feeling makes me wonder if it's really worth it. Is it better to love and have lost then to not have loved at all? I don't know right now. It doesn't seem worth it.

My stomach is twisted in knots and the depression has returned today. I weep for him and for what could have been had the timing been right. The "what-ifs" continue to pop up though I am smart enough to know that there is no point dwelling on them. It simply wasn't and will never be. It is so sad. My heart is heavy and bares this weight that I can not shake.

I was doing so well moving on but now I'm trapped with the guilt of the feelings that consume me. I want to believe in love. I want it to heal all, however all I seem to ever see is the ultimate demise of it. The ruin and consequence of falling for someone and inviting them to be a part of my life. I fear that I can not do it anymore. That it's not in my power to let my guard down and trust in someone to catch me when I fall and to hold onto me and not let go. People seem to drop me and I can not bare breaking anything else.

Love, I don't know that I want you or can handle you anymore. Please leave me alone. You're hurting me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday I'm in Love

Life has been absolutely wonderful lately. I can't stop singing and dancing nor can I wipe the cheesy smile off my face. One of my best friends tells me I'm in love. For real in love she says. She might be right.

My work is done, the weather has been absolutely perfect, and I took the time to rebeautify my backyard (which is one of my favorite places to be). Despite having to work tonight, I'm so excited to spend time with my friends this evening and especially excited for my parents big Mexican bash tomorrow. It's something we all look forward to every year. Which reminds me, I have to run to the store for salsa making materials!

New Hibiscus Tree

Killer Cicada Wasp - These keep getting stuck in my window.

Silly Calder Amelia


I'm on cloud 9, life is good, and I can't stop breathing it in. Happy friday all.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Masks We Wear

So I just rewatched and repurchased the movie Purple Rain and also bought copies for friends who have never seen the movie but really should own it. In making a joke about Prince's obsession with masks, it got me thinking about the significance behind it. My interpretation is that Prince was so into masking himself because under his amazing music and stage presence, his life was a complete mess. His home, professional, and personal life was pretty terrible for quite some time yet when he was on stage he shut that all away and became a different person.

Most of us wear masks each day of our lives. We hide what we don't want others to see. In the trite question "how are you," we always answer "good." But we are rarely good. We're either "ok" or "excellent" or "fucking terrible." We're never just "good." We put on a mask so that we can function in society and fit into whatever we think is acceptable. Showing or saying how we really feel is a major problem in our lives. There are a limited few who are allowed to see us how we truly are.

For myself and my growing period, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop this "good" act. Stop wearing masks and start letting people see me for who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We all need to stop being hyper aware of what people think of us and start being real. It may not be without consequence but it may also be the most fulfilling experiment yet. If you can lie to everyone around you, how can you be true to yourself?

It's scary but the results may be very much worth it. It's just a theory I have. I'll let you know how it goes.



That's all she wrote...

Monday, July 25, 2011

Back on Track

The past week has been pretty great. I'm calm and relaxed and actually really damn happy. Work is moving along and I taken on a role that no one else would step up and do. I'm so glad I did. I feel like I now have the power to get us all back on track and stake my claim in a management role. Things are really looking up for my career and personal life. It is as if the jujitsu "perfection of character" theory has shone down all at once this month. I've gained back my confidence since I no longer have anyone holding me back or bringing me down. I feel at peace with the universe.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Ups and Downs

It's amazing to me how much human emotion can be projected during a single day. From stress and frustration one hour to calmness and joy the next, a person can wear quite a few masks in a day. I think it's all situational. If your job stresses you out or the people around you, find something to counter that emotion and revive that part of your inner self.

Last night was great. Well the first part, not so great. Work stresses were lying on everyone. Tension and pressure was high. Sometimes you have to get it all out—yell, scream, cry, whatever you have to do—then let it go. Or just calm yourself down and be there for someone else. As soon as I went to jujitsu those stresses completely went away. There's nothing better than honing your skills and getting the crap beat out of you at the same time. I truly love jujitsu and couldn't imagine my life without it. Afterwards was as equally therapeutic. A late night movie premier with a good friend washed all of our work tension away. It's pretty awesome what laughing can do to a person.

This morning after taking care of a friend's dogs, I took an early morning walk through the city to a coffee shop. It made me remember how much I love mornings. The world is just waking up and starting fresh. The sunlight is soft and beautiful. The temperature is perfect. Strolling through the nice part of the city admiring old houses and noticing yards, gardens, or architecture that is often over looked was a wonderful start to the day. No frustrations, or sadness, or pressure, just a clean slate. Every day is a new beginning.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's a Beautiful Day

Today is a good day to get out and enjoy the world around you. Notice the little things and smile. Life is not so bad. There are plenty of things and people to be ever so grateful for. Here is my list of things to be thankful for today:

1. Watching my dog sleep on her bed. She needs to be by my side and to have provided with her bed that she loves, makes me happy.

2. Good friends. I was thinking yesterday about some of the friends who have been in and out of my life and there are a lot. BUT there are a few really good friends who are there forever. They give me advice and do not judge me. We can have any conversation in the world. I love my friends. Today is a good day to let them know.

3. The sun shining. Yes I know it's hot outside but you can't dislike a beautiful blue sky no matter how hot it is. It's just impossible.

4. My cup of tea this morning. Tea is so soothing and refreshing. It replenishes the soul.

5. New beginnings. Once something ends and another begins it's a brand new chance to get things right. A fresh start is scary and exciting.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Moving On

How long does it take to get over someone? A week? A month? A year? I don't know but I do know that when you spent your a large amount of time trying to get into them, then over them, then into them again, then finally over them once more, the process becomes a lot easier. A large weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you make the decision that a certain person is not good for you and let them go. Completely. You're no longer doing what's best for the other person, you're doing what's best for you.

I think for the first time in my life I can say that I am. My foggy mind is clearing and I know what I want and am realizing that what I want may have been there all along and I was too bullheaded to see what was in front of me. Denying what's best for you and how to get what you want out of life is self-sabotage. Sometimes it takes stirring the pot and jumping in feet first without fear of consequence is not as destructive as it appears. Sometimes it's just the right thing to do.

I'm loving my 30's so far. I've learned so much about myself and am completely comfortable with who I am. I know that I can make mistakes and the people who care about me will forgive me and still be there. If they are true to you they will not turn away from you if they do not approve. Love is around every corner and it is shining itself upon me. Happiness is blooming and freedom is relaxing my soul.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

And bad mistakes, I've made a few...

Why do I make the mistakes I do? Could it be that I constantly need attention? Am I an attention whore? I don't know. I think it's because I'm constantly looking for confirmation that I am loved and wanted. It's like I sabotage my life in order to make it exciting and then freak out when I'm faced with a new situation. I do it to stir the pot. Once everything is in order I need to make chaos in order to start over and make order again. I fuck up time and time again so that I have something to fix.

Wallowing in self pity has never been my style. I know I only have myself to blame for the decisions I make. And maybe I'm too hard on myself. Hell, no one else seems to care when they make mistakes. They suck it up, accept it, and move on. There is something to be said for that. Instead of beating myself up for it I should just shrug my shoulders, say yeah I messed up, and own it. Which I do certainly own it but perhaps too much. Maybe I need to realize that I'm not perfect and just be ok with it.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Today and Everyday

Today is a rough one. Getting a lot of work done but my mind is being pulled in a million directions and I feel disconnected with the world. There's always this great pressure to make everyone happy and to do my best. I'm crying for the one I lost. This pain is consuming me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

31

I've been feeling a little lifeless the past couple days. I don't know if I'm still recovering from the 31st birthday celebration (which is a lot slower of a recovery than 21st) or if my brain is just going to explode. I go between being ok and calm to thinking too much and swinging into a depression. Work and responsibilities are heavy on the shoulders right now and I don't have time to deal with these helpless feelings. I wish I could just snap out of it and get my confidence back but it's so much easier said then done. I wish I could cry but I can't. Maybe I'm going crazy.

As far as my birthday celebration goes, it was really nice. I spent the day with my mother visiting her old stomping grounds and learning about her childhood then visiting my nana. When we got back into town we relaxed with pedicures. The evening was spent with friends and I couldn't help but want to see him. So I did. I'm still trying to decide if that was a good idea or not. Again with the thinking too much.

Well life chugs on whether I want it to or not. Hopefully things will get better and easier. I really just want someone to love who loves me back. Sigh...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Good Talk

Is there really a right or a wrong in the rules of a breakup? Like "why are you talking to him" or "you shouldn't be doing that"...etc. I can't help but still feel that same connection we always had. It hasn't changed one bit. What has changed is the fact that what we were doing wasn't working. There is still a separation of the head and the heart. I know and can see clearly what is right and wrong and what is best, but it doesn't make me feel any less. 

We did have a good talk. I guess that's all we could ask for right now.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Greeks

It happens on occasion that happy hour turns into happy hourzzzzz. That was the case yesterday. Catching up with an old friend for an innocent happy hour turned into 5-1/2 hours of fun and apparently a birthday celebration. Let me tell you, Greeks know how to celebrate. We met at a Greek-owned bar and though she's a regular there, I've never met the staff. But they treated me like part of the family. Two birthday shots and a piece of cheese cake with candles in it plus hugs and kisses. Wow if that's how Greek men treat their women, count me in! We had a great time. Thus begins my week of birthday celebration.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Country Drive

I was fortunate enough to take a drive on one of my favorite roads yesterday. Memories came flooding back as I took in the scenery. Central Manor Road and the surrounding area is so beautiful. Rolling hills, spectacular views, and lush green pastures add a calmness to the day. I hope developers never take that land. I want to keep it safe. I want to live in one of the old farmhouses surrounded by flower gardens and shabby chic decor. I want my dog to run through the fields. I want to breath in the fresh air with the sun shining on my face. I want that simple life.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

A Brand New Day

Yes, I just went through yet another breakup. I'm convinced I fall in love with people who are not right for me. I have a lot to give but rarely get it back. But each turn of the tide is an opportunity to grow as a person and learn something about myself. So as my self-therapy here are somethings I am repeating to myself and am working on:

1. Telling people if something bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. No more taking unnecessary crap from people. You can not feel sorry for yourself and be angry at the things you endure if people do not know that you feel that way about it, right?

2. Saying "I love you." Just like not telling people of what upsets me in the moment, I also have a problem telling some people just how much I care about them.

3. Being grateful. Life is not perfect and it is easy to focus on the negative things that make us upset. We often miss all of the wonderful, beautiful, good things around us.

As I continue on this newfound life I will add to the list. For now, it's one day at a time. I am grateful for my support group of friends and family who care. It's hard not to air the pain inside so having patient people to listen to me really helps. You know who you are. I love you all.





Surrounding yourself with things that make you happy is a good way to start to feel better. Here are a few things that are new to me this week.
I haven't gotten a chance to use them yet but have a friend who knows how. I've always wanted my cards read. Hmmmmm...

My work buddy gave me her old single cup coffee maker. It's perfect. In a weird way it's a good reminder to take care of myself first and stop trying to give to everyone all of the time.

My new purple chest. This was $19 and I spray painted it purple. It fits perfectly in the space and is so functional. 

My new coffee table. This was $15. I debated whether it was ugly or cool for the longest time. Cool is the outcome.

The pretty new scarf/shawl. It's so feminine and beautiful I had to have it.

Last but certainly not least the lovely flowers my dear friend bought me last night after rescuing me from a crying fit. Kidnapping me in the middle of the night and driving around with the music blaring turns out it was just what I needed. That girl is smart.