The Masks We Wear

So I just rewatched and repurchased the movie Purple Rain and also bought copies for friends who have never seen the movie but really should own it. In making a joke about Prince's obsession with masks, it got me thinking about the significance behind it. My interpretation is that Prince was so into masking himself because under his amazing music and stage presence, his life was a complete mess. His home, professional, and personal life was pretty terrible for quite some time yet when he was on stage he shut that all away and became a different person.

Most of us wear masks each day of our lives. We hide what we don't want others to see. In the trite question "how are you," we always answer "good." But we are rarely good. We're either "ok" or "excellent" or "fucking terrible." We're never just "good." We put on a mask so that we can function in society and fit into whatever we think is acceptable. Showing or saying how we really feel is a major problem in our lives. There are a limited few who are allowed to see us how we truly are.

For myself and my growing period, I am going to make a conscious effort to stop this "good" act. Stop wearing masks and start letting people see me for who I am. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We all need to stop being hyper aware of what people think of us and start being real. It may not be without consequence but it may also be the most fulfilling experiment yet. If you can lie to everyone around you, how can you be true to yourself?

It's scary but the results may be very much worth it. It's just a theory I have. I'll let you know how it goes.



That's all she wrote...

Back on Track

The past week has been pretty great. I'm calm and relaxed and actually really damn happy. Work is moving along and I taken on a role that no one else would step up and do. I'm so glad I did. I feel like I now have the power to get us all back on track and stake my claim in a management role. Things are really looking up for my career and personal life. It is as if the jujitsu "perfection of character" theory has shone down all at once this month. I've gained back my confidence since I no longer have anyone holding me back or bringing me down. I feel at peace with the universe.

Ups and Downs

It's amazing to me how much human emotion can be projected during a single day. From stress and frustration one hour to calmness and joy the next, a person can wear quite a few masks in a day. I think it's all situational. If your job stresses you out or the people around you, find something to counter that emotion and revive that part of your inner self.

Last night was great. Well the first part, not so great. Work stresses were lying on everyone. Tension and pressure was high. Sometimes you have to get it all out—yell, scream, cry, whatever you have to do—then let it go. Or just calm yourself down and be there for someone else. As soon as I went to jujitsu those stresses completely went away. There's nothing better than honing your skills and getting the crap beat out of you at the same time. I truly love jujitsu and couldn't imagine my life without it. Afterwards was as equally therapeutic. A late night movie premier with a good friend washed all of our work tension away. It's pretty awesome what laughing can do to a person.

This morning after taking care of a friend's dogs, I took an early morning walk through the city to a coffee shop. It made me remember how much I love mornings. The world is just waking up and starting fresh. The sunlight is soft and beautiful. The temperature is perfect. Strolling through the nice part of the city admiring old houses and noticing yards, gardens, or architecture that is often over looked was a wonderful start to the day. No frustrations, or sadness, or pressure, just a clean slate. Every day is a new beginning.

It's a Beautiful Day

Today is a good day to get out and enjoy the world around you. Notice the little things and smile. Life is not so bad. There are plenty of things and people to be ever so grateful for. Here is my list of things to be thankful for today:

1. Watching my dog sleep on her bed. She needs to be by my side and to have provided with her bed that she loves, makes me happy.

2. Good friends. I was thinking yesterday about some of the friends who have been in and out of my life and there are a lot. BUT there are a few really good friends who are there forever. They give me advice and do not judge me. We can have any conversation in the world. I love my friends. Today is a good day to let them know.

3. The sun shining. Yes I know it's hot outside but you can't dislike a beautiful blue sky no matter how hot it is. It's just impossible.

4. My cup of tea this morning. Tea is so soothing and refreshing. It replenishes the soul.

5. New beginnings. Once something ends and another begins it's a brand new chance to get things right. A fresh start is scary and exciting.

Moving On

How long does it take to get over someone? A week? A month? A year? I don't know but I do know that when you spent your a large amount of time trying to get into them, then over them, then into them again, then finally over them once more, the process becomes a lot easier. A large weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you make the decision that a certain person is not good for you and let them go. Completely. You're no longer doing what's best for the other person, you're doing what's best for you.

I think for the first time in my life I can say that I am. My foggy mind is clearing and I know what I want and am realizing that what I want may have been there all along and I was too bullheaded to see what was in front of me. Denying what's best for you and how to get what you want out of life is self-sabotage. Sometimes it takes stirring the pot and jumping in feet first without fear of consequence is not as destructive as it appears. Sometimes it's just the right thing to do.

I'm loving my 30's so far. I've learned so much about myself and am completely comfortable with who I am. I know that I can make mistakes and the people who care about me will forgive me and still be there. If they are true to you they will not turn away from you if they do not approve. Love is around every corner and it is shining itself upon me. Happiness is blooming and freedom is relaxing my soul.

And bad mistakes, I've made a few...

Why do I make the mistakes I do? Could it be that I constantly need attention? Am I an attention whore? I don't know. I think it's because I'm constantly looking for confirmation that I am loved and wanted. It's like I sabotage my life in order to make it exciting and then freak out when I'm faced with a new situation. I do it to stir the pot. Once everything is in order I need to make chaos in order to start over and make order again. I fuck up time and time again so that I have something to fix.

Wallowing in self pity has never been my style. I know I only have myself to blame for the decisions I make. And maybe I'm too hard on myself. Hell, no one else seems to care when they make mistakes. They suck it up, accept it, and move on. There is something to be said for that. Instead of beating myself up for it I should just shrug my shoulders, say yeah I messed up, and own it. Which I do certainly own it but perhaps too much. Maybe I need to realize that I'm not perfect and just be ok with it.

Today and Everyday

Today is a rough one. Getting a lot of work done but my mind is being pulled in a million directions and I feel disconnected with the world. There's always this great pressure to make everyone happy and to do my best. I'm crying for the one I lost. This pain is consuming me.

31

I've been feeling a little lifeless the past couple days. I don't know if I'm still recovering from the 31st birthday celebration (which is a lot slower of a recovery than 21st) or if my brain is just going to explode. I go between being ok and calm to thinking too much and swinging into a depression. Work and responsibilities are heavy on the shoulders right now and I don't have time to deal with these helpless feelings. I wish I could just snap out of it and get my confidence back but it's so much easier said then done. I wish I could cry but I can't. Maybe I'm going crazy.

As far as my birthday celebration goes, it was really nice. I spent the day with my mother visiting her old stomping grounds and learning about her childhood then visiting my nana. When we got back into town we relaxed with pedicures. The evening was spent with friends and I couldn't help but want to see him. So I did. I'm still trying to decide if that was a good idea or not. Again with the thinking too much.

Well life chugs on whether I want it to or not. Hopefully things will get better and easier. I really just want someone to love who loves me back. Sigh...

Good Talk

Is there really a right or a wrong in the rules of a breakup? Like "why are you talking to him" or "you shouldn't be doing that"...etc. I can't help but still feel that same connection we always had. It hasn't changed one bit. What has changed is the fact that what we were doing wasn't working. There is still a separation of the head and the heart. I know and can see clearly what is right and wrong and what is best, but it doesn't make me feel any less. 

We did have a good talk. I guess that's all we could ask for right now.

The Greeks

It happens on occasion that happy hour turns into happy hourzzzzz. That was the case yesterday. Catching up with an old friend for an innocent happy hour turned into 5-1/2 hours of fun and apparently a birthday celebration. Let me tell you, Greeks know how to celebrate. We met at a Greek-owned bar and though she's a regular there, I've never met the staff. But they treated me like part of the family. Two birthday shots and a piece of cheese cake with candles in it plus hugs and kisses. Wow if that's how Greek men treat their women, count me in! We had a great time. Thus begins my week of birthday celebration.

Country Drive

I was fortunate enough to take a drive on one of my favorite roads yesterday. Memories came flooding back as I took in the scenery. Central Manor Road and the surrounding area is so beautiful. Rolling hills, spectacular views, and lush green pastures add a calmness to the day. I hope developers never take that land. I want to keep it safe. I want to live in one of the old farmhouses surrounded by flower gardens and shabby chic decor. I want my dog to run through the fields. I want to breath in the fresh air with the sun shining on my face. I want that simple life.

A Brand New Day

Yes, I just went through yet another breakup. I'm convinced I fall in love with people who are not right for me. I have a lot to give but rarely get it back. But each turn of the tide is an opportunity to grow as a person and learn something about myself. So as my self-therapy here are somethings I am repeating to myself and am working on:

1. Telling people if something bothers me or makes me uncomfortable. No more taking unnecessary crap from people. You can not feel sorry for yourself and be angry at the things you endure if people do not know that you feel that way about it, right?

2. Saying "I love you." Just like not telling people of what upsets me in the moment, I also have a problem telling some people just how much I care about them.

3. Being grateful. Life is not perfect and it is easy to focus on the negative things that make us upset. We often miss all of the wonderful, beautiful, good things around us.

As I continue on this newfound life I will add to the list. For now, it's one day at a time. I am grateful for my support group of friends and family who care. It's hard not to air the pain inside so having patient people to listen to me really helps. You know who you are. I love you all.





Surrounding yourself with things that make you happy is a good way to start to feel better. Here are a few things that are new to me this week.

I haven't gotten a chance to use them yet but have a friend who knows how. I've always wanted my cards read. Hmmmmm...

My work buddy gave me her old single cup coffee maker. It's perfect. In a weird way it's a good reminder to take care of myself first and stop trying to give to everyone all of the time.

My new purple chest. This was $19 and I spray painted it purple. It fits perfectly in the space and is so functional. 

My new coffee table. This was $15. I debated whether it was ugly or cool for the longest time. Cool is the outcome.

The pretty new scarf/shawl. It's so feminine and beautiful I had to have it.

Last but certainly not least the lovely flowers my dear friend bought me last night after rescuing me from a crying fit. Kidnapping me in the middle of the night and driving around with the music blaring turns out it was just what I needed. That girl is smart.