For the first time in my life, I don't want to be me anymore. I used to love myself and believe that I could do anything but now I'm seeing that the act of being fearless is simply that...an act. I suck people in and then I drive them away. I am my own problem. The strength that once drove me, is now the curse that rips through me. Life is full of good times and bad. There is nothing left but to watch it all happen. No one can save me from myself. I am my own monster.
I'm watching children grow and people fall in love. I'm watching this all and knowing that it is something that I will never have because I don't deserve it. It's not meant for me. I have a hard time believing that there is anything left. What is real?
They say it's better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. I no longer see that as truth. It brings nothing but such an intense pain that there is no point in having human connections any more. Being good is not good. Best to be alone, as that is ultimately how it all ends anyway. I have nothing more.
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