This is My Home and I Have to Protect It

"This is my home and I have to protect it."
~McCaully Calkin as Kevin in "Home Alone"

I have always loved that line. When times get tough and I am forced to be responsible for a household that I was basically forced to take over, that line rings in my head.

Recently my roommate moved out. Hopefully the last roommate I will ever have. With it brought a lot of emotions that I was neither expecting or prepared for. As he was moving things out of his room and into his mother's minivan, I was sitting in my room crying. At the time I wasn't quite sure why. I had been anticipating the moment for a while. I would finally have my house to myself and would no longer get frustrated at having to clean up after someone or purchase yet another roll of toilet paper or tube of toothpaste with no recognition, thanks, or help from someone else. It wasn't even the fact that am praying for my refinance to go through so I could actually afford to live without someone occupying my home. It finally hit me. I was crying because now I am truly alone.

As I have gotten older, watching friends get married and settle down and start families, has become increasingly difficult. It's certainly not that I want to walk down the aisle tomorrow or pop out a baby anytime soon, I just want that possibility to be in my future and honestly right now it is not. Like not even in the near future. That is a scary thought. Yes my biological clock is ticking. Not necessarily to have children, but to have the security of someone who loves me to fall asleep with me every night and to commit to me. I want that level of commitment.

But alas, I don't foresee that in my future. Not my near future anyway. So I guess that right now the struggle has become how long I am willing to wait. How long before you give up on someone or something that is important to you?

With my new-found "empty nest" syndrome, I'm trying to focus on me. On the positive. I can have an office in my empty room. I can rest assure that the dishes in the sink are my own. I can pee with the bathroom door open. This is my house and I have to protect it. At the end of the day, today, I am cranking up Otis Redding radio on Pandora, dancing around the house with a glass of red wine, and making tacos for my boyfriend. Maybe that's all he'll ever be, but for now, I'm just gonna do me.