Love is the hardest and easiest thing in our lives. When it's our friend, it puts a smile on our faces that can not be removed and leaves us to float through our days as if we are walking on the clouds. But love is also our enemy. When you love someone so very much yet can not make a relationship work no matter how hard you try, love creates a pain that hurts so incredibly bad that you just want something to end it. That crushing feeling makes me wonder if it's really worth it. Is it better to love and have lost then to not have loved at all? I don't know right now. It doesn't seem worth it.
My stomach is twisted in knots and the depression has returned today. I weep for him and for what could have been had the timing been right. The "what-ifs" continue to pop up though I am smart enough to know that there is no point dwelling on them. It simply wasn't and will never be. It is so sad. My heart is heavy and bares this weight that I can not shake.
I was doing so well moving on but now I'm trapped with the guilt of the feelings that consume me. I want to believe in love. I want it to heal all, however all I seem to ever see is the ultimate demise of it. The ruin and consequence of falling for someone and inviting them to be a part of my life. I fear that I can not do it anymore. That it's not in my power to let my guard down and trust in someone to catch me when I fall and to hold onto me and not let go. People seem to drop me and I can not bare breaking anything else.
Love, I don't know that I want you or can handle you anymore. Please leave me alone. You're hurting me.
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