Letting Go

As I entered the open field with seven other people toting yoga mats, I was prepared for something to happen. Something to change me tonight. A release. I got what I came for.

Yoga does not come easy for me and though I realize the immense amount of benefits from it, I tend to shy away from partaking. It makes me feel like my anatomy is incorrect because with certain poses come intense pain and the sensation of limbs snapping. I know the only way to overcome this is to keep at it. So tonight, after the recent absence of jujitsu, and my extreme need for centering myself, I joined a good friend  for her sunset yoga class.

As we started, she invited us to concentrate on a goal. Something that we wanted to accomplish for ourselves or someone else. We were to remind ourselves of that goal as we sunk deeper and deeper into our poses. Mine was to "let go".

I've been carrying so much in myself recently and hoarding people and feelings that I shouldn't be. People and feelings that I don't need anymore. It's been a struggle to grow and move onward and upward with these feelings looming around constantly. This mantra of letting go is something that I need to remind myself day to day in order to get better. It's just like yoga. I will only excel at it if I make it a habit.

Walking away tonight I felt clearer, lighter, and certainly more balanced. My hips moved like jelly and my mind floated a bit. That hour induced a sigh of relief and a deep breath of being good to myself. What a wonderful sunset it was.

Hard Pill to Swallow

It's been a while. Things have been, um, confusing? Interesting? It's hard to search for the right word. Not really that great is a good way to sum it up I guess. I'm always feeling torn between who I am. There are pieces of me that are keeping on and doing a darn good job of it. Your career and household doesn't stop just because your love life is complete crap. So every day has been a bit of struggle to remember who I am, what I do that makes me me, and how to move on with life. It's hard to value yourself when your heart is crushed. I keep beating my head against a wall wondering what I've could have done better but in the end it comes down to nothing. No matter how perfect I try to make myself, I can't make others love me. It's a hard pill to swallow.

On the other hand I have a friend who is absolutely wonderful to me and so ready to be there for everything I do. He's in it to win it. But I just can't. It's disgusting. I can't get over someone who was terrible to me and just be with someone who would absolutely would fulfill what I need emotionally. I guess time heals all right?

So time to move on with my day and turn on the work mode for a staff meeting and then friend mode to be there for someone else who also struggles in life. I want to value myself and the world again. Maybe I'll start tomorrow.

Love is an Evil Thing

Love is the hardest and easiest thing in our lives. When it's our friend, it puts a smile on our faces that can not be removed and leaves us to float through our days as if we are walking on the clouds. But love is also our enemy. When you love someone so very much yet can not make a relationship work no matter how hard you try, love creates a pain that hurts so incredibly bad that you just want something to end it. That crushing feeling makes me wonder if it's really worth it. Is it better to love and have lost then to not have loved at all? I don't know right now. It doesn't seem worth it.

My stomach is twisted in knots and the depression has returned today. I weep for him and for what could have been had the timing been right. The "what-ifs" continue to pop up though I am smart enough to know that there is no point dwelling on them. It simply wasn't and will never be. It is so sad. My heart is heavy and bares this weight that I can not shake.

I was doing so well moving on but now I'm trapped with the guilt of the feelings that consume me. I want to believe in love. I want it to heal all, however all I seem to ever see is the ultimate demise of it. The ruin and consequence of falling for someone and inviting them to be a part of my life. I fear that I can not do it anymore. That it's not in my power to let my guard down and trust in someone to catch me when I fall and to hold onto me and not let go. People seem to drop me and I can not bare breaking anything else.

Love, I don't know that I want you or can handle you anymore. Please leave me alone. You're hurting me.

Friday I'm in Love

Life has been absolutely wonderful lately. I can't stop singing and dancing nor can I wipe the cheesy smile off my face. One of my best friends tells me I'm in love. For real in love she says. She might be right.

My work is done, the weather has been absolutely perfect, and I took the time to rebeautify my backyard (which is one of my favorite places to be). Despite having to work tonight, I'm so excited to spend time with my friends this evening and especially excited for my parents big Mexican bash tomorrow. It's something we all look forward to every year. Which reminds me, I have to run to the store for salsa making materials!

New Hibiscus Tree

Killer Cicada Wasp - These keep getting stuck in my window.

Silly Calder Amelia

I'm on cloud 9, life is good, and I can't stop breathing it in. Happy friday all.